Travel Writing



Distance it took to walk between nearest Costa Coffee outlets – 118 steps

Birth place of Ian Dury. Whereas Hornchurch has maybe the most restaurants per square metre in the world, Upminster has the dubious honour of being home to the most pointless Community Police Officers in the country. But only in the DAY time in DAYLIGHT when the closest thing there is to a bit of trouble is the dropping of a pack of Werther’s Originals onto the pavement. Where the men and women in blue are when kids and adults are smashing bottles and fighting in the street at night only they know. If they’re not helping pensioners picking up their shopping and Werther’s Originals then what are they for? There’s nothing of interest going on.


Another pair of exquisite images taken by the usual expertise by yours truly.

Another pair of exquisite images taken with the usual expertise by yours truly.

Right, okay, let’s talk coffee. The two Costa Coffee outlets, as noted at the start of this section, are 118 footsteps[56] away from each other. But there is also a Caffè Nero opposite the first Costa Coffee (next to MOT Service Centre) you would come across down Station Road[57] if you were coming from Upminster Road, which carries on from the high street in Hornchurch.

There’s too many moving vehicles to count the number of steps it takes to get from Caffè Nero to Costa Coffee, so I won’t bother. Will have to count them at a later time as I can’t get across without being knocked down. I COULD do what a cunt I used to work with used to do – just walk out in front of moving vehicles, so they ‘have’ to stop. One of the most annoying people I’ve ever met, could’ve caused an accident doing that. Let’s hope a driver’s not watching the road when the aforementioned knobface next steps in front of a vehicle.[58]

The two (dis)respected coffee shops are directly opposite each other, so just think of your average road: the width of that is the distance between them.

‘‘Why don’t you go there at a time when there’s not many cars; like early morning or at night you dopey cunt?’’ I hear you say.

‘‘Alright, calm down, no need for the foul language’’ I tell you, ‘‘although I don’t see the problem using words that are described as being ‘swear’. However, you could’ve called me a ‘‘dopey biscuit’’ in the same tone of voice and I would’ve felt the same inside.’’

‘‘Oh, shut up!’’ you say. ‘‘Why don’t you go there at a quieter time and count the number of steps it takes to get from Costa Coffee to Caffè Nero?’’

‘‘I may be mad, but I’m not THAT mad!’’ I reply.

You settle for that and I can once again carry on with my work. Your response was most welcome. Next stop, Beacontree Heath.[59]


I really don’t know how I’ve not been spotted by some photography scout yet. This one’s mind blowing. Maybe this’ll be the one that will make me famous.



















[56] My steps, anyway.

[57] Upminster train station is just further up in case you were wondering why it’s called Station Road. Here to help as always.

[58] I definitely did not go off-topic there.

[59] Should be Elm Park, really, but I haven’t been there to write anything on it yet. I’ve been there many times, so I suppose I could just write from my mind and experiences there (same thing more or less).




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