A short screenplay I wrote two years ago. I found it virtually impossible to transfer the script onto here so excuse the piss-poor layout. And the reason why there’s bigger gaps between lines than others is because…well, ask Tumblr. No matter how big the gulf between some lines, and how much I pressed ‘Return’, it stayed the same. Oh, the horror.
You Have Killed Me
INT. NATALIE’S HOUSE. FRONT ROOM – DAY
Bird’s eye view of NATALIE lying down on her couch then waking up with the sun in her eyes looking bedraggled, television remote in her hand.
Close up of a plain white coffee mug on the floor next to the couch. NATALIE’S feet touch the beige carpet in the background. We then see her run to the kitchen sink to be sick.
INT. NATALIE’S HOUSE. BATHROOM – THE SAME
NATALIE has a ‘Clearblue Digital’ pregnancy test kit: one that gives the result as either, ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant.’ The test kit reveals that she has conceived.
I can’t have a baby. I’m still living my own life. How am
I going to watch Dickinson’s Real Deal in peace?
How will I find the time to adjust the colour on my TV
ready for when Dickinson’s face comes on the screen? Besides
I can’t afford it. I don’t want it. But then I also don’t
want an abortion. The one time I don’t take precautions
and this happens. Typical.
INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – THE SAME
NATALIE is sitting down opposite DOCTOR ROY.
…so you see my predicament. I’m not ready for a baby.
There’s no way I can have it. It’s either
have the baby and lose my independence and sanity. Or
abort it, be shunned by society and then feel guilty for
the rest of my life.
Well, you’ve got to do one or the other my dear (pauses).
OR (pauses again) there is one OTHER option you can
You can put the baby on eBay?
NATALIE looks at him shocked and speechless. DOCTOR ROY continues.
Babies are a very sought-after property my dear,
especially on there, so much so that some people have
nicknamed the site, ‘eBaby.’
NATALIE still looks dumbfounded. She then speaks.
Isn’t that a bit, well, wrong? You auction items and
things like toasters on there, not actual humans beings
I wouldn’t exactly call babies ‘humans’ would you, in the
strictest sense of the word? They’re a blabbering mess.
They can’t speak or do virtually anything. You’d get more
sense from a headless pigeon than a baby human.
Basically, they’re just mutated versions of those little
tadpole things you see on the screen, mindlessly trying
to bash their way into the womb. A bit like a person
trying to gain sense when watching X-Factor.
I can’t believe I’m hearing this.
NATALIE’S face lights up.
How did I not even THINK of it? You’re right! That means
that the baby would get to be with someone who cares for
him – because who would fork out all that money for
something they didn’t want? And I could then spend the
money on contracting liver and lung disease. It’s
DOCTOR ROY holds his hands up as if to say, ‘‘I told you so.’’
I mean, there’s no rush – you’re only two months gone. Go
home and sleep on it…the idea I mean, not your tummy,
unless of course you want to go with the premise of
They both say their goodbyes and NATALIE heads out of the room.
EXT. OUTSIDE DOCTOR’S SURGERY – THE SAME
NATALIE comes out of the doctor’s surgery and is walking along when she hears someone calling her name. The voice is heavily echoed. She peers down a drain, sees nothing then hears it again.
The voice continues to sweetly call her name, ‘‘NATALIE, NATALIE,’’ as the camera slowly pans right to left from a blank canvas to NATALIE’S womb until it gradually reveals a human foetus. The BABY is in the early stages. It still has webbed hands and feet, and its features are visible. He goes onto have a voice like the ‘bubble boy’ character in Seinfeld.
The shot goes back to NATALIE.
Oh, yahoo! Natalie! Can you hear me? It’s your ba-by
NATALIE stops and looks at her stomach.
What, you can talk already?
Yes, AND HEAR. I just thought I would introduce myself
and say ‘hi’ seeing as we’re probably going to be
spending a lot of time together.
OK. By the way, where do you first want to meet face to
Queen’s Hospital in Romford would be grand.
What will you be wearing so that I recognise you?
I’ll be the one with the umbilical cord attached to my
But there are a load of people in hospitals with
umbilical cords attached to their belly buttons. How will
I be able to differentiate you from the rest of them?
Well, I’ll be the one that comes out of your vagina, so
I’m sure you’ll notice me. There, is that enough clues
for ya? I’m going to go now, but before I do that, I’ve
got something for you.
We see BABY swing his arm back and give NATALIE a punch in the stomach.
NATALIE holds her tummy in pain.
That’s for talking of putting me up for sale on eBay.
Black screen with caption: TWO MONTHS LATER.
INT. NATALIE’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. A dishevelled looking NATALIE grabs a bottle of vodka from her cupboard, opens it and takes a swig.
(trying to cover his head as if it is raining)
Ah, not MORE vodka! Oi!
We see NATALIE taking a drag from a cigarette.
Oh, what do you want?
INT. NATALIE’S WOMB.
What’s a baby gotta do to get some Vitamin C down here?!
He coughs and coughs as the smoke reaches him. We see the smoke come out of his mouth as he does so.
Look, I’m allowed the odd vice now and again. It won’t
damage you that much. And anyway, I have plenty of apple
juice. That’s good for you isn’t it?
Cider doesn’t count, bitch!
We see BABY begin to punch NATALIE’S womb continuously like a punch bag.
Black screen with caption: FIVE MONTHS LATER.
INT.HOSPITAL – NIGHT
NATALIE lying in a hospital bed.
INT. BABY IN THE WOMB.
BABY is about to come out of NATALIE and we see it from his viewpoint. The image starts off with a gap that has a little bit of light shining through. This gradually gets wider and we begin to see the doctors, nurses and midwives through the gap anticipating his arrival. The end image is like that of a tunnel.
One of the midwives helps cradle the baby once it comes out of NATALIE. The sound of the BABY crying changes to ‘grring’. The BABY then leaps for his mother’s throat with both hands.
You bloody bitch! Still gonna put me on eBay are ya?!
Not sure yet. Anyway, nice to finally meet you. You look
exactly how I thought you would.
The struggle continues with people’s frantic sounding voices populating the place. The scene of people surrounding NATALIE’S bed trying to stop her baby from strangling her fades into white as camera moves further away. The Smiths song, ‘You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet, Baby’ begins to play.
Black screen with credits as the song continues.