Fiction (Stories and Screenplays)

‘You Have Killed Me’ screenplay

A short screenplay I wrote two years ago. I found it virtually impossible to transfer the script onto here so excuse the piss-poor layout. And the reason why there’s bigger gaps between lines than others is because…well, ask Tumblr. No matter how big the gulf between some lines, and how much I pressed ‘Return’, it stayed the same. Oh, the horror.

You Have Killed Me

INT. NATALIE’S HOUSE. FRONT ROOM – DAY

Bird’s eye view of NATALIE lying down on her couch then waking up with the sun in her eyes looking bedraggled, television remote in her hand.

Cut To:

Close up of a plain white coffee mug on the floor next to the couch. NATALIE’S feet touch the beige carpet in the background. We then see her run to the kitchen sink to be sick.

Cut To:

INT. NATALIE’S HOUSE. BATHROOM – THE SAME

NATALIE has a ‘Clearblue Digital’ pregnancy test kit: one that gives the result as either, ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant.’ The test kit reveals that she has conceived.

NATALIE

(V/O)

I can’t have a baby. I’m still living my own life. How am

I going to watch Dickinson’s Real Deal in peace?

How will I find the time to adjust the colour on my TV

ready for when Dickinson’s face comes on the screen? Besides

I can’t afford it. I don’t want it. But then I also don’t

want an abortion. The one time I don’t take precautions

and this happens. Typical.

Cut To:

INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY – THE SAME

NATALIE is sitting down opposite DOCTOR ROY.

NATALIE

…so you see my predicament. I’m not ready for a baby.

There’s no way I can have it. It’s either

have the baby and lose my independence and sanity. Or

abort it, be shunned by society and then feel guilty for

the rest of my life.

DOCTOR ROY

Well, you’ve got to do one or the other my dear (pauses).

OR (pauses again) there is one OTHER option you can

consider.

NATALIE

What’s that?

DOCTOR ROY

You can put the baby on eBay?

NATALIE looks at him shocked and speechless. DOCTOR ROY continues.

Babies are a very sought-after property my dear,

especially on there, so much so that some people have

nicknamed the site, ‘eBaby.’

NATALIE still looks dumbfounded. She then speaks.

NATALIE

Isn’t that a bit, well, wrong? You auction items and

things like toasters on there, not actual humans beings

or life.

DOCTOR ROY

(looking perplexed)

I wouldn’t exactly call babies ‘humans’ would you, in the

strictest sense of the word? They’re a blabbering mess.

They can’t speak or do virtually anything. You’d get more

sense from a headless pigeon than a baby human.

Basically, they’re just mutated versions of those little

tadpole things you see on the screen, mindlessly trying

to bash their way into the womb. A bit like a person

trying to gain sense when watching X-Factor.

NATALIE

I can’t believe I’m hearing this.

NATALIE’S face lights up.

NATALIE

How did I not even THINK of it? You’re right! That means

that the baby would get to be with someone who cares for

him – because who would fork out all that money for

something they didn’t want? And I could then spend the

money on contracting liver and lung disease. It’s

perfect.

DOCTOR ROY holds his hands up as if to say, ‘‘I told you so.’’

DOCTOR ROY

I mean, there’s no rush – you’re only two months gone. Go

home and sleep on it…the idea I mean, not your tummy,

unless of course you want to go with the premise of

aborting him.

They both say their goodbyes and NATALIE heads out of the room.

Cut To:

EXT. OUTSIDE DOCTOR’S SURGERY – THE SAME

NATALIE comes out of the doctor’s surgery and is walking along when she hears someone calling her name. The voice is heavily echoed. She peers down a drain, sees nothing then hears it again.

Cut To:

The voice continues to sweetly call her name, ‘‘NATALIE, NATALIE,’’ as the camera slowly pans right to left from a blank canvas to NATALIE’S womb until it gradually reveals a human foetus. The BABY is in the early stages. It still has webbed hands and feet, and its features are visible. He goes onto have a voice like the ‘bubble boy’ character in Seinfeld.

The shot goes back to NATALIE.

BABY

Oh, yahoo! Natalie! Can you hear me? It’s your ba-by

speaking!

NATALIE stops and looks at her stomach.

NATALIE

(surprised)

What, you can talk already?

BABY

Yes, AND HEAR. I just thought I would introduce myself

and say ‘hi’ seeing as we’re probably going to be

spending a lot of time together.

NATALIE

OK. By the way, where do you first want to meet face to

face?

BABY

Queen’s Hospital in Romford would be grand.

NATALIE

What will you be wearing so that I recognise you?

BABY

I’ll be the one with the umbilical cord attached to my

belly button.

NATALIE

But there are a load of people in hospitals with

umbilical cords attached to their belly buttons. How will

I be able to differentiate you from the rest of them?

BABY

Well, I’ll be the one that comes out of your vagina, so

I’m sure you’ll notice me. There, is that enough clues

for ya? I’m going to go now, but before I do that, I’ve

got something for you.

We see BABY swing his arm back and give NATALIE a punch in the stomach.

NATALIE holds her tummy in pain.

BABY

That’s for talking of putting me up for sale on eBay.

Black screen with caption: TWO MONTHS LATER.

Cut To:

INT. NATALIE’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.                                                              A dishevelled looking NATALIE grabs a bottle of vodka from her cupboard, opens it and takes a swig.

Cut To:

BABY

(trying to cover his head as if it is raining)

Ah, not MORE vodka! Oi!

We see NATALIE taking a drag from a cigarette.

NATALIE

Oh, what do you want?

Cut to:

INT. NATALIE’S WOMB.

BABY

What’s a baby gotta do to get some Vitamin C down here?!

He coughs and coughs as the smoke reaches him. We see the smoke come out of his mouth as he does so.

NATALIE

Look, I’m allowed the odd vice now and again. It won’t

damage you that much. And anyway, I have plenty of apple

juice. That’s good for you isn’t it?

BABY

Cider doesn’t count, bitch!

We see BABY begin to punch NATALIE’S womb continuously like a punch bag.

Black screen with caption: FIVE MONTHS LATER.

Cut To:

INT.HOSPITAL – NIGHT

NATALIE lying in a hospital bed.

Cut To:

INT. BABY IN THE WOMB.

BABY is about to come out of NATALIE and we see it from his viewpoint. The image starts off with a gap that has a little bit of light shining through. This gradually gets wider and we begin to see the doctors, nurses and midwives through the gap anticipating his arrival. The end image is like that of a tunnel.

Cut To:

One of the midwives helps cradle the baby once it comes out of NATALIE. The sound of the BABY crying changes to ‘grring’. The BABY then leaps for his mother’s throat with both hands.

BABY

(screaming)

You bloody bitch! Still gonna put me on eBay are ya?!

NATALIE

(choking)

Not sure yet. Anyway, nice to finally meet you. You look

exactly how I thought you would.

The struggle continues with people’s frantic sounding voices populating the place. The scene of people surrounding NATALIE’S bed trying to stop her baby from strangling her fades into white as camera moves further away. The Smiths song, ‘You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet, Baby’ begins to play.

Cut To:

Black screen with credits as the song continues.

The End

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRGSoAXt2SU

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